Abyssal Aurora

Hey it's already February ...

2010-02-03T23:37:00.006+08:00

... and what exactly have I achieved this month? Nothing. Again.

The routine life of being treated like objects to make superiors happy is really ticking me off. They consider only of their own selfish wants of how to impress their peers and the means to do it, neglecting the welfare of those helping them without a thought. Sure, their mental capacities are inadequate in performing their allocated tasks due to the lack of proper education, but that is no excuse for being retards who make decisions without thinking because they 'feel like it'. This brings me to a new point, when entitlements are taken away, expect people to be unhappy. Ungrateful attitude? I think not. Especially when those entitlements are ours to begin with. Not everyone is bad, although the good ones are leaving soon ... but the one I respect the most still remains. If he goes, I go. The unhappy paragraph ends here -------------------------------------

I am going to be more active. There is no use in feeling that I am brain-dead, bored and wasting my life if I am not going to do anything about it. So there, more guitar, more aikido, more sense talk with more people and less anti-socialism.

I suppose I'll start to snap out of being agitated easily now because it isn't fair to treat innocent people with contempt just because of a bad mood especially when they are not the cause of it. It's about time to smile to the nice people in my life.

:)

What to do ...

2010-01-17T19:56:00.002+08:00

Well, I really want to get into a University by this year, which means applying in April, and I really hope it's SMU that I get into. Although I don't really think my results can even get me an interview after applying for SMU, it's worth a shot and I AM taking SATs just for extra credit for SMU anyway.

Thank goodness for hope and miracles, for without them, I would probably have already signed on. Haha :/

Oh and I think I can play *some* tunes by ear already, which is amazing progress for me as I had been trying to train my ears for nearly 3 years. Yay! I still have to learn how to hold a conversation when playing my guitar because right now, all I can manage is to speak on the first beat of every bar. Heh. Yes yes, trying trying ... :)

I'm preparing for aikido grading soon because Adrian sempai wants me to go for grading, and is kind enough to give me evaluation + feedback in February to see if I can make it. So yeah, must up-belt at least once this year. :)

Thats all. Time to laze around until book in ... :)

A Confusing 'Off'

2009-12-27T19:25:00.002+08:00

My week of 'Off' is coming to an end and I've more or less rested up enough at home to remain sane (at a Kenneth level). :D

I've been to a class gathering and EOY just yesterday. I'm pretty surprised that they held the EOY this year at the drama hall on the third floor of the National Library instead of having it at the big open area directly below the hall, on the ground floor. I was so sure that the event was held there that I expected to see colourful decor and booths set up there but was damn surprised when there, well, just wasn't any. Heh. Overall, it was pretty okay I guess. :)

I'm confused; I had been, and I'm confused again. Maybe it's time I stop trying to de-confuse myself and just let ... No! For now? Yes. For ever? Maybe, just maybe ...

Graduation day!

2009-12-01T15:52:00.003+08:00

I finally graduated from my course today and got a certificate. Thats about it really, nothing much else to say about it.

I'll officially be promoted to 3rd Sergeant on the coming Friday, tomorrow and Thursday of would probably be nothing but rehearsals for the parade.

The year's almost up, and it hasn't been a very academically progressing one. That is, I'm not at all closer to securing a place in any University. I'm just hoping that the SATs that I'll do will help.

CST is shit.

2009-10-25T21:31:00.002+08:00

CST= Combat survival training. Don't want to think about it. It sucks fullstop.

On the other hand! My internet connection just changed to some Singtel plan so its 20 times faster than the old pacific internet plan that I used to have. More online games for me soon ... Modern Warfare 2!! :D

Alright!

2009-10-18T17:01:00.003+08:00

Now that the awful week is over, I shall start looking forward to the live range! That, however, only commences after I finish the portion of the course I am tagged to. That of which is really crappy. Then again, It'll end soon I guess.

I can't wait for the day that my training officially ends and I get my new rank, thats something else to look forward to I guess. Army is boring the crap out of me :/

Long week.

2009-10-11T00:34:00.002+08:00

Alright. It seems that this walk had come much earlier than I thought. I may have lost track of time for a bit there.

Monday is going to be the start of what would be one of the times I would NEVER think of re-living no matter how many years into the future I look back from. I only hope that I don't drag my group down again. :/

Life still seems good so far if I pretend that next week is past, however much I wish it could be. It's just going to be walk, walk, walk till Wednesday. Not much a morale-booster when phrased that way but heh, don't really have a good use for morale anyways.

Oh and by the way, thanks for the smile. :)

'Long' weekends.

2009-09-25T00:16:00.004+08:00

This officially marks the end of the tough parts of my course, including the outfield week and the dreaded route march. Yeah! I'm still pretty happy that I managed to complete it, for I didn't complete the one held on National Day. So as of today, phase one of training is complete. The reward? Long weekends! :D

Hmmm. Smiling seems easier to do the more time goes by. I think it's better if I start trying to be more sociable. I think it's about time, again. :)

Out of my heart (into your head)!!

2009-09-13T20:54:00.003+08:00

Yeah, thats some old BBMak song that I've been listening to over the weekend. Pretty good song!

I feel cheerful again, on a whole. Not that I don't feel happy or cheerful when I go out with friends but I'm refering to general mood, you know, the more permanent kind? I hadn't feel this way for a long while, the last I remember being in December last year.

Don't know why my mood suddenly changed but I hope it lasts ... for good. :)

Outfield week

2009-09-06T18:39:00.003+08:00

This week, I get the first taste of what my life will be like for the next 10 years or so whenever I have to go outfield. I hope it's not too tough! :)

I'm re-starting my aikido lessons from next friday onward at Sengkang dojo. Can't wait. :D

Yes!!!!

2009-08-30T12:26:00.002+08:00

I like my new posting. Not only because I wanted it but also due to the fact that the atmosphere and 'lifestyle' is really good! The only bad thing about it is that I'll be on some kind of course throughout the whole of this year and probably half of next year. Oh and I have to go for the Jungle Confidence Course in Brunei next June too (and I don't want to go!!!).

Which means that I'm NOT taking A levels this year ... because it clashes with my courses and training schedule, which sucks because that means that the good $650+ is wasted. Sigh. Instead, I'll take it next year when I have more admin time and my life is more 'free'. :)

Yay! New stuff!

2009-08-23T23:20:00.003+08:00

I know that I said in the previous post that I didn't want to mention here the vocation I got posted to but some dude whose identity I still don't know revealed it on my tagboard. Haha.

Quite anxious about tomorrow, I mean, not only because of the new camp but also to the fact only 16 people got posted to this camp (I think). I get the feeling that the whole camp is going to be really quiet at night, taking that all the regulars there will probably go home. 'Oolu' + quiet + dark = not good. Although! I am pretty excited about the new stuff I'm going to be issued. :D

So I guess I really shouldn't be thinking much about tomorrow after this post or risk not getting enough sleep ... nights! :)

New camp.

2009-08-15T13:29:00.003+08:00

Yeah, we have new postings now! I'm pretty happy with mine but I won't write it here, because we're not supposed to blog about army in great detail, so just ask me!! :DDD

Basically last week, we had our 28km route march on National Day, as it is with some other stuff, this batch was the first to have national education incorporated into a route march. I fell out halfway though, chest tight. Heh. :P

On Monday till Wednesday I had fever, which I think, probably came from either the route march ... or my cousin. It's a blessing in disguise though, for I took MC till Thursday and missed that all-so-retarded re-route march.

Have to report to the new camp on the 24th of August so I have 1 week of leave! :D

Bored

2009-08-02T17:54:00.002+08:00

Hmmm. I don't know why, but nowadays I keep feeling lethargic. So damn lethargic.

For instance, I know for one thing that this week will be a slack one, which is a good thing of course! But I just feel so dead and so unwilling to do anything, with nothing to look forward to, nothing to think about, nothing I want to buy, nothing I want to watch and neither do I feel like sleeping, talking or even think about what I want to eat for dinner.

Sigh. Yeah, the worse thing about feeling miserable is that I don't know why I am. Or maybe I do: Army. But ... I don't think it's army though, its it's repercussions most probably. Oh well.

3 more Fridays to go.

2009-07-25T16:28:00.001+08:00

I just had my Grandslam fieldcamp this week. It was quite tiring for we only had roughly 12 hours of sleep in total over that span of 4 days and 3 nights. I'm glad the major field camps are over although I still have one Urban Ops fieldcamp this Tuesday though, quite short,only for 2 days and 1 night. After that, there would pretty much be nothing for us to do in camp except for attending lessons. BSLC life is getting better now! Heh :D

Another short weekend.

2009-07-19T16:02:00.002+08:00

No no ... Not this week, next week. Yeah, I have section live firing next Sunday so I really doubt I get to go home because I'll probably have to book in on Saturday and hence, only get a 'nights out' kind of thing.

I pray that I get into a vocation that's either very prestigious (so it won't be a waste of time) or one that's slack (so I can study for A levels). If you have to do compulsory service then it's better to do something that benefits you in some way right? I mean, it's TWO BLOODY YEARS of your life gone. So why not do something worthwhile in that span of 2 years ...

I hardly have the time to play guitar or study these past weeks because we have a really packed training schedule so, yeah, looking forward to the end of this week as the training programs will start to thin out and become slacker.

One more to go!

2009-07-12T17:12:00.004+08:00

It was field camp this week so my week sort of sucked. Nonetheless! I only have another field camp to go so there's the only thing left before I can start to slack. Haha! But the next field camp in two weeks is going to be an assessment so it's important that I don't screw up so much. After that it'd be slack-er compared to now.

My company had alot of the tough things scheduled earlier compared to the other companies so they, unlike us, get to slack alot more now. After the next field camp (a.k.a. 'Grandslam'), I'd only have the Urban Ops 2 day 1 night camp and my 28 km route march back to Pasir Laba from Kranji memorial left to look forward to so yeah, already halfway through BSLC.

On a sidenote: I got shortlisted for a '3 SIB sniper selection' so I'm quite happy that I have a chance to become a sniper in the army. It's a damn good opportunity because well, how many people get to go for the sniper course as an NSF right? :D

What a chore!

2009-07-05T20:56:00.005+08:00

It's field camp from Tuesday to Friday in the coming week. I heard from the ASLC people that its not as tough as everyone thinks and is more accurate to be considered as a sequence of field lessons instead of an actual camp, so thats good news thankfully. Oh please don't rain. :(

Army is a good place to keep quiet and think, because you seriously have nothing better to do other than looking forward to your next bookout, or sleep. If you don't exercise your mind for long periods of time, you can slowly feel your intellect draining away as you go about your daily routines; even the reading of a simple paragraph can pose as a problem after several days of stoning.

Digressing from the previous two paragraphs, I wonder what my life would be like after army. As it is at the present, I have the same end-of-year aim as most of the other years of my life, which is to not screw up exams (Yes, I'm retaking A' levels this year and possibly also next year for those who don't know). I need more worthwhile goals ...

Short bookout!!

2009-06-28T20:46:00.002+08:00

Bookouts in SISPEC would be shorter than normal because its on Saturday for me mostly. Yeah, I have corrective training because I probably can't get a silver for my IPPT. The good thing is that there's only one week that we have to stay back on a Sunday and thats because my live firing happens to fall on that day.

Hmmm ... army and school ... Both are quite the same. There's stress, no free time (by right there shouldn't be) and theres that little bug in your head that keeps you should be training/studying. I guess what I miss the most about school is the freedom.

Yeah thats it! Haha. Have to book in now. :)

Reminder.

2009-06-22T00:17:00.002+08:00

I think I'm going to try to clear my A levels this year instead of having take it both years in the army.

So I'll basically be juggling SISPEC training and A levels.

Life just gets better ... because it can't possibly suck any more than now. Haha. :)

SISPEC

2009-06-21T02:19:00.003+08:00

I got posted to SISPEC! It's okay I guess. So I'm content.

6 months of training before I get re-posted again, this time, to my unit. Yes!!! Sergeant pay! Haha! :)

I wonder how the crap I'm going to do A levels though ...

ePosting Day.

2009-06-19T01:44:00.002+08:00

Well, the title says it all. Today is my ePosting day. For those of you who don't know what the crap that is, today is the day I find out where I get posted to, of which, I would have to reside for a minimum of 6 months at the very least.

So my NS life changes from today onwards.

Update ... later. Nights!

Yeah!! Block leave! :D

2009-06-13T00:36:00.002+08:00

Just passed out from BMT last Tuesday. So that means I don't have to go back to Tekong anymore!! Ha! But ... it isn't really that bad a place though, I don't like it only because its troublesome to book in and out. Other than that, Tekong is a really nice place to be posted to I think.

Block Leave! That means no need to book in till 21st June! I can slack at home again! Haven't done that in a long time. Heh.

Rights! So. Passing out parade was kinda erm, hot. And the 24 click route march the night before was well, sleepy. Haha. I fell out at the 18km point because I couldn't keep up with the pace of the platoon and became a straggler (I think its spelt that way). Yup! So I did complete it in the end because 2Lt Aaron got 3SG Mas to walk with me at my own pace till the end point.

Been out the previous two days playing Lan and slept the whole afternoon away and I'm err, still kinda sleepy so ...

Goodnight! :)

A is for Atten-C!!!

2009-05-21T22:04:00.002+08:00

I had high fever so I came home from Tekong yesterday night!! Booking in tomorrow at 7am though.

3 more weeks of BMT left!! Yeah!!

2nd bookout.

2009-05-10T12:49:00.002+08:00

Half my BMT is over and I'm so damn glad that it is! No more field camp! Yeah!

My parents bought me a Sony Ericsson C905 for me and passed it to me on my first bookout 2 weeks ago, so I won't have to change phone ever again! Heh. I like the 8.1 megapixel camera especially, oh and the media player. For some reason the mediaplayer and the earpiece that came with the phone is damn good. :D

Field camp sucked. It rained on all of the 5 nights outfield, with day one being the heaviest and worst since our drainage for the 'bashas' weren't fully up to standard yet. But I'm not complaining anymore because no more field camp! Yay!

Situational test is on the coming thursday night so thats 2 more days and nights outfield. I'll have to do well if I hope of ever going to OCS. So yeah, have to really be clear-minded and focused for one more week. After that, I can 'slack' again. :D

Have to book in in 5 hours+ ... sigh. I want to slack at home ... and I ...

I miss you.

7 more weeks!!

2009-04-26T16:22:00.003+08:00

The first two weeks are okay, quite adjusted already I think. The training is quite tough but thats probably because even if you have trained for army before going in, you don't train in the same way that they do.

Field camp begins on next sunday, so that means that from that sunday till thursday or friday, I'd be sleeping in the jungle somewhere. After that week, I can finally book out every week! Yay! Because for my first month in BMT, I can only book out for 2 days. Today, unfortunately, is the second day of bookout so ... :(

Have to book in at 7.20pm. Bye!

Enlistment in 8 hours!

2009-04-11T00:25:00.002+08:00

See you all in 2 weeks. :)

Be Right Back!!

2009-04-08T22:52:00.002+08:00

Yesterday was my last day of Aikido practice so I'm going to go back in 3, 9 or 12 months.

3 more days till head shaving!! :D

Forgotten that quickly?

2009-03-25T00:30:00.003+08:00

I just got back from aikido at Bishan CC. Came back pretty late today because I went for supper with three of my fellow aikidoka.

Damien was telling Mephine, Yuen and myself about his 'encounters' in Malaysia and other overseas areas. To him, aikido is an art of which he could have had used in rough his army days as a means to survive. That started me thinking on the bus ride home, about myself, and the reason for me learning aikido.

I guess when I started in secondary 3, almost 4 years ago, it was because I wanted to learn to defend myself, swayed by the elegance of the art. But now, I learn aikido because of interest, going 6 out of 7 days of the week and all.

The unusual thing is, I think I learnt much faster and did much better before I stopped aikido in JC2. After that one year of aikido hiatus, it seems like my body has forgotten almost all the good aikido habits it had learnt. Thank goodness my mind remembers the techniques so at least I don't have to re-learn everything from scratch; I just have to modify what I currently remember falsely as right.

Stupid malfunctional Id. :(

17 more days to army. You can laugh at my bald head soon! :D

Untitled

2009-03-22T23:28:00.004+08:00

I got my new Aikido brown belt this week and that makes me 4th kyu! Yay! Only 2 more grades to black! But unfortunately, that two grades is going to take at least one and a half-years to attain, possibly longer due to army enlistment.

Thinking about it, army wouldn't be so bad. I mean, it is bad because you are forced to sever ties to almost everyone around you and you'll practically not know anything about your friends after that army term, in addition to depriving you of 2 whole years of precious time. But then again, the social life hiatus could be a good thing for some, not having to care that much about how friends are and consider what they are going through in their lives, except on book-out days.

I guess after what I've been through, I need a compulsory break; one that I cannot get out of until I've had the right amount of break time. I find it rather tedious to have your brain on overdrive, thinking so much about things that may or may not be worth thinking about. So, I suppose some time during which I don't have to think about much would be appreciated.

Anyways, A' levels at the end of the year is going to be one hard thing to study for. Fortunately for me, it can't possibly get any harder than last year (I think) so, I have to study much earlier for the one this year just in case.

I guess my life is okay, or ... maybe that's just what I want you, the reader, to think. Haha :D

Hey! Your life sucks too!! :D

2009-03-05T00:00:00.002+08:00

I don't know if it's something that's in the nature of humans but, I've noticed that (although unsaid) many individuals tend to secretly relish in seeing or knowing that others are going through the same emotional and/or physical torment that they themselves are going through. Alright fine, maybe relish is too strong a term to use for the majority ... how about: take comfort in?

I find it rather immoral that one would use the suffering of another to make them feel better about their lives just because both suffer in more-or-less the same way, you know, that 'you-are-not-alone-in-this-World' mentality that some adopt. After going through it ourselves, shouldn't we be hoping that others do not experience the same intense physical, mental and emotional pain that we are put through, instead of feeling better about ourselves knowing that we are not the only ones who suffer that way?

There's always time to realize and even more to change. Working on it. Haha :)

Too much for me to handle?

2009-02-23T00:01:00.002+08:00

I did six hours of aikido today! Erm, aching everywhere especially my wrists. Haha. What? Theres only so many times your wrist can take locked by black belts before your hands lose their basic abilities like say, use chopsticks or SMS people. I am not crazy! It is perfectly fine to go for six hours of being thrown about and have your arms bent and twisted in weird un-natural directions, besides, it's good exercise and stretching ... Fine! yes, I'm trying to kill myself but slowly! So there! :D

On a serious note, I'm considering cutting down. Well, my mind can keep going when it starts to get interested in aikido, but well, my body can't exactly keep up. I previously thought that it was because I was unfit, but its not really that. I can handle the stamina-draining parts just fine, even though it can be really tiring especially if you don't breathe properly, but its just my joints that maybe can't take it.

I'm been practicing so regularly that any injuries such as friction burns and strained joints do not have time to recover for the next session which is usually the day after. So yeah, although I'm not getting many new significant injuries, the few that I had were worsening, especially the friction burn on my foot. Doesn't really help that grading is in two to three weeks either ... :S

Maybe its synchronisation of the mind and body, where one is put through as much hell as the other. Not quite there yet though. :(

Shift of focus.

2009-02-03T00:37:00.003+08:00

Hmmm. I've realized that trying to expand the number of songs I know how to play on guitar isn't really helping me improve, at least, I'm sure it really isn't helping much anymore. Whats the point of knowing many songs but screwing up here-and-there when you're playing it to others to hear? I'd rather do quality, not quantity; had enough of quantity already. And well, friends don't deserve to hear crap so ... yeah, I'm working on it. :)

Many people know how to play the guitar. It IS the world's most played musical instrument after all. Thing is, I've seen so many not-so-good covers of songs that I like on youtube and many of these covers do not capture the mood, atmosphere and effect of the original song. Well, I acknowledge that playing a song is hard but playing it WELL is hard-ER, and I'm not talking about the number of mistakes made when playing the song, no ... I'm talking about playing it with feeling; with the very same, if not more, emotions that makes the sound of the instrument strike you at your core; the kind that makes you smile or cry or experience what the player is feeling at that very same moment. That! In my opinion, is how a song should be played. :D

I'm not there yet, nor did I really focus on it to begin with. So, there's my shift of focus on guitar: to play songs WELL and not to learn that many songs in a short span of time. :)

A year since ...

2009-01-19T20:14:00.002+08:00

I just remembered! On this day the year before, the breakup happened ...

Its kind of glad to look back and see that life now is better than I thought it would be. At this time of day last year, I recall crying and thinking that life would be no longer be worth living. I guess I was wrong. Haha. Life now is good and no, I'm not forcing myself to be optimistic, I'm saying what I really feel. :)

For the past week I've been going for Aikido practices almost everyday, and it's good to be back on track in aikido. I already have 7/32 training sessions required for March grading so yay! Should be able to make it in time ...

I finally got the time to spend on my two interests-for-life: Aikido and classical guitar. So it's really a breath of fresh air because I've always wanted to persue both. Career options if all else fails? Aikido and guitar instructor! (Now! I'm being optimistic!). Haha. But yeah, I'm going to get there eventually so I guess those would be my part-time occupations. :)

Well, I'm really looking forward to this week for it is weapons training everyday till friday! :D

Oh, and I just cut my hair. :S

I apologize for there not being a definite point of focus for this post. Haha. See ya :)

Mariage D'amour!

2009-01-10T23:32:00.003+08:00

Haha. I can't exactly say why this song always makes me feel happy and maybe a little high because, well, I'm not entire sure myself ... but I can try.

This song brings back some memories, or rather, the happiness I felt at that time in the past. For some reason, it still has the same happy effects on me as it did last time as I can't help but feel so content, secure and happy hearing the song. It feels as if I had found some long-lost part of my life or something like that. Haha.

So yeah, I think it would be more precise to say that it is not the song itself that brings about happiness, but its conjuration of a feeling similar to what I felt in the past; that memorable my-life-is-perfect feeling that only comes about once in a blue moon

It is indeed strange that I don't recall something as happy as that memory, for I know that I have few of such happy ones. Hmmm, maybe ...

Maybe I don't remember so as to not acknowledge it ...

Maybe ... not yet ...

I'm in love with ...

2009-01-10T01:33:00.003+08:00

... Mariage D'amour!!

I always thought that the song was so nice, although it is however, very tricky to play on guitar.

I originally thought that I heard this song somewhere over the radio or something ... but as I was learning it, one part of the song struck me. It's some weird suddenly-slapped-awake kind of feeling that made me realize that someone had indeed played it for me to hear before ... so thank you, whoever you are ... :)

I really love this song ... but I don't know why yet. Haha. Maybe I will after I wake up later ... so yeah. Nap time.

Anticipation

2009-01-06T01:29:00.004+08:00

I can't wait to see what this year has in store for me (army is a mood-killer though). No rushing involved though. Haha. I have the freedom of time, at least for a while ... :)

Going to join Bishan Dojo permanently for Aikido, although I am going to pay for my multi-dojo as well. I'm out of practice, shape, and money. Crap. Haha.

I think, just like the one just past, this year is going to be another good one. I have everything to gain and nothing to lose ... well, except my hair which is compulsory for enlistment but thats not the point!! Haha. :D

Nothing to do. Where to start?

2009-01-05T01:22:00.003+08:00

I've got some things that I want to take care of this year. The best thing: no deadlines! :D

The downside to not having to care about time is that, well, I feel very passive right about now ... don't really feel like doing anything anymore. Hmmm, except go out with friends of course.

I guess I'd better do something soon, or else my passivity is going to lead me nowhere. Maybe, I need a commitment ... or at least one that I can freely choose by myself, without significant events such as A' levels to strongly 'influence' that choice. Oh wait! I got army ... :(

Things I want to do this year:
~ Sort out personal stuff
~ Aikido
~ Learn to sight-read
~ Improve at guitar
~ Pick up piano
~ To not go to army

Thing(s) I do not want to have to do this year:
~ Go to army

Thing(s) I may not be able to avoid this year:
~ Army

Thing(s) I want to do but may not be able to accomplish:
~ To not go to army

Hmmm, guess thats it. Got to do something ... and SOON ... :)

Happy memories ... Oh really?

2009-01-03T00:05:00.002+08:00

I've been pondering over the definition of the 'happy' in happy memories. I mean, how can you dwell in the happy memories ever-so-often without snapping back into reality with the realization that life NOW is bloody crap?

Well, I do acknowledge that those memories of a time more secure, carefree and 'happy' (in short) does make one smile from time to time knowing that they had been lucky enough to actually HAVE those memories. I guess that may very likely be the reason for people to re-visit or even fall back on their old memories whenever they get dis-satisfied with the way their lives are headed and maybe due to the lack of control they have over the course of their lives. Thus, the sense of longing surfaces ... but! It is indeed rather frustrating to know that the REAL appreciation of what you once had only comes about by its loss. :(

I guess that 'longing' for a past memory's circumstance is what drives many people to do irrational things to try to put everything together, the way it was in the past. The worst thing is that, in that state, no one really realizes the uselessness of longing for things to be the way they were in the past as well, the present remains the same. Desperation at its strongest? I think so. But for what?

I think the answer would be this: A false sense of security, as needed by the individual (but not acknowledged), for them to carry on in their current lives until they reach another peak of happiness in their lives. Haha. Maybe. Or as a form of consolation?

At least I have my happy memories left if I have nothing else! Haha. :D

New Year

2009-01-01T00:48:00.003+08:00

I'm willing to bet almost anything that every active blogger would post an entry today to commemorate the new year. Haha. Yeah, includes me too. Well here goes it ...

Happy new year everyone! I wish you all the best for the year ahead! (although really nothing has changed since yesterday but oh well!) :D

I'm guessing that many people would use the start of the new year (a.k.a. today) as a marker for a series of changes they wish to see in themselves throughout the course of the year, coming up with 'new year resolutions' that denote their expectations and things-to-accomplish for the year ...

... but don't get me wrong! Haha. Its better to have intentions to better oneself than remain stubbornly adamant ...

As for me, its just another day of post-A'-Level life. Haha. the only difference today would probably be that other people are more joyous because of the occasion than the other less significant ones ... so I guess today IS a special day! :D

I realize that the 'new-year-signifies-change' mentality that is associated with the 'today-is-new-years-day' label is a pretty good example of the positive effects of societal labeling. You know ... It's just another ordinary day after all! I mean, the only difference between today and other ordinary days is the 'new years day' label that society stamps on the day, making it really special! Haha. :D

I wish you, reader, happiness ... in whatever way you may define it ... :)

Bloody Tears

2008-12-31T15:16:00.002+08:00

Stare what stare

2008-12-29T22:22:00.005+08:00

I think its amusing to see how some youngsters like those wannabe-gangster-try-to-act-cool-around-girls kind incessantly adjust their hair (especially the fringe), to look how they perceive cool to be as a desperate cry for attention ... and when someone FINALLY looks at them, they return the peering passerby a 'you-slept-with-my-imaginary-girlfriend-and-I'm-gonna-pound-you-with-my-huge-imaginary-biceps' kind of stare. Hahaha. Loser ... :D

You emokid.

2008-12-29T01:09:00.005+08:00

Yeah exactly ... its one very common label used nowadays isn't it? -.-

Someone has got to tell me the definition of this word, because I for one, don't see the negativity of such a label. I mean, thats all I know of the word; the supposed "negative impression" that is brought about when being labeled as an "emokid" but no-one ever mentions what it means to them (I'm assuming the meaning is subjective here), why it is bad, nor why they fear the label ...

For anyone at this point having the phrase "I'm not afraid of being emo!" resounding in their minds: Whatever. You sure it ain't the ego talking instead of you?

I personally just don't understand why certain people would choose to bottle up all their anger, frustrations and sadness up, choosing to put on a mask in front of their friends and taking it all out on people in their private lives (parents, siblings, boy/girlfriend). I mean, shouldn't the latter ought to be treated better than the former? Furthermore, if they are REAL "friends", why would you be afraid to show them that you're emotionally distressed, I mean, are you THAT bloody worried about your own reputation?

Get a LIFE.

Living a life means that you allow yourself to experience different single and mixed emotions, can't you just imagine how boring life would be without emotions? Yeah, you'd be nothing but a robot. The only REAL problem I can see is that: emotions can cause people to jeopardise their lives, not being to think rationally and often acting on impulse.

But why should the fear of the mere possibility of making stupid and wrong decisions cause some to avoid their emotions completely using distractions? Can't you just learn to cope instead of running away like a bloody coward?

I find that a lot of egoistic pricks (especially) often share this same mindset: to distract themselves from the wave of emotions, choosing to waste their lives playing drinking, smoking and maybe playing computer games instead of finding a way to cope or a solution to the emotion-evoking problem. Suit yourself.

I personally think that avoiding emotions (all the time) would only make them pile up and hit you hard when the distractions start to wane in their effectiveness over time. So why not feel them? God created emotions for a reason.

You emokid. :P

Christmas

2008-12-25T23:44:00.001+08:00

Merry Christmas everyone!

For the year and after, "... I wish you well and hope you find whatever you're looking for ..." :)

Christmas Eve

2008-12-24T01:51:00.004+08:00

Well now ... what to do? Hmmm ... :(

It's a special day for SOMEONE out there today ... I mean, if I were to adopt the enthusiasm of 'normal' people and honor the occasion, I CAN say that at the end of this day 2008 years ago was Jesus born!! But it's Christmas eve, and I choose not to.

Just another day?

Just another day labeled with a special occasion so that people do actually HAVE something to look forward to every boring year?

Just another day filled with expectations because of THAT label?

Just another day filled with the nauseating air of shattered dreams; the sting of promises unfulfilled; the un-nerving thought of an un-certain future; or maybe, just maybe, the dark burdening taint on the widening cracks of your ever-so-fragile heart?

Just another day.

Well now ... sounds like its just another day to me. Be it just another day to escape, to confront, to lurk in voids of emotion, to dwell in sorrow or to bask in happiness ... your choice.

It is what it is: just another day ... :)

Shine

2008-12-19T18:05:00.000+08:00

Looking through old chat logs ... How could I have not realized that this band existed!! I need more of this stuff in my life. :D

Shine:
I never really feel quite right
I don't know why, all I know is there's something wrong
Every time I look at you, you seem so alive

Tell me how do you do it, walk me through it
I'm following every footstep

Baby on your own you take a conscious step
Do you wanna give it up?

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me
Shine on this life that's burning out

I say a lot of things sometimes that don't come out right
And I act like I don't know why
I guess a reaction is all I was looking for

You looked through me, you really knew me like no one has EVER looked before

Baby on your own you take a cautious step
Do you wanna give it up?

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me
Shine on this life that's burning out

I know, I know, girl you got something

SHINE (shine it on to me)
Shine down on me (I wanna feel it)
Shine on this life that's burning out

Baby on your own you take a cautious step
Do you wanna give it up?

But all I want is for you to SHINE
Shine down on me (just show me something)
Shine on this life that's burning out (you give me something that I never
know)

Shine (it gonna kill me if you give something away)
Shine yeaaah (I wanna know what's going in on your mind)
Shine on this life that's burning out

18th December

2008-12-19T16:32:00.003+08:00

There seems to be more stars yesterday night than any other day of December from what I've observed! Haha. I'll just take it that there are good things coming my way ... but phew! Thank God for the back door :)

Thanks Syaz

2008-12-04T00:19:00.002+08:00

This blog post has been solely initiated to honour the name of one FATIN SYAZANA BTE MOHAMED ARIS, who had selflessly come to my rescue in my dark time of desperation. Kenneth is henceforth greatly in your debt and owes you a grand total 3 presents now. :D

Haha. But really, thanks a lot Syaz for helping me change my blog skin ... :)

Note: Gifts are meant to be accepted, not chosen. :P

Deprived.

2008-12-03T21:47:00.006+08:00

I just realized today that going through JC2 A' level stress had taken a huge toll on my ability to appreciate nature, or rather, to appreciate much of anything at all. I seem to have forgotten the way to enjoy the beauty of nature the way I used to, I mean, being able to waste time and just sit looking out the window at the rain in the past, to the current 'oh-look-its-raining-so-I-will-go-play-guitar-now' kind of reaction probably is testament enough to my inability to slow down and just appreciate these kind of nature related stuff that I claim I love.

I don't know why but for some weird reason, I walked out that exam hall on the 21st of November having ended my A' levels not ecstatic with an anticipated sense of freedom, being neither happy or relieved, nor even sad or regretful; just with an emotional void. Well, no doubt it could be the lingering effects of exam stress but, it has been two weeks ... and part of the feeling still remains, deeply rooted to my being, refusing to subside even though I've tried to recover. It could be the lack of closure I have for A' levels due to my slack attitude when it comes to studying ... even though I did toil hard for A' levels (Fine! It IS last minute but imagine trying to re-learn every single thing for every subject in two weeks ...) which should be enough of an effort to get that 'no matter what happens, I tried my best' false sense of security. Hmmm ...

Anyways, I saw Oswin off at his enlistment location today at Pulau Tekong, along with his family. Its kinda sad to see him walk off around that corner knowing that he only had 12 days to spend time with everyone he cares about, before being dragged into that compulsory 'transition phase' from being a boy to 'becoming a man' that everyone seems to console enlistees unsuccessfully by saying. Not to mention all those NS posters about oh "Think not about what you lose now but think about what you will gain in the brighter days ahead", I always thought that they were meant to make the parents feel better and not the enlistees themselves, because I sure don't feel in any manner consoled! Haha. I am going to miss him though ...

Tekong is however, from what I've seen, a rather scenic place when you compare it to the Singapore city, having no crowds, no noise, no dirt and theres a lot of natural flora there too! While waiting for the ferry to depart for 'mainland Singapore', for once in an entire year have I felt appreciative of nature. I mean, feeling the natural cool breeze, seeing the ocean fade away into that distant mist, being able to make out the outline of every cloud in the sky, and even being able to see the sunny sky from horizon-to-horizon makes me feel so refreshed. It feels as if some long slumbering part of me had awoken and I finally feel alive! Haha :)

Yeah well, I guess I have been rather ... deprived.

Study

2008-07-20T00:39:00.004+08:00

I think it's time to study, yeah probably ...
I mean like, if not now then when?
Tomorrow? Hahahaha. We all know what that will end up in ...
I don't want to study, but this little thing called REALITY s kind of bugging me.
Whats that you say? Nope, no sense of urgency at all ...
I guess I'll start soon ... VERY soon ...
No wait, I MUST start soon ...
I am NOT looking forward to this at all ...
Not one bit ... maybe tomorrow I'll start ...
For some reason, I feel like procrastinating again ...
hmmm yeah, maybe tomorrow I will ...

Fear

2008-02-19T23:42:00.006+08:00

Well, more aftershock for my fragile, beating ... errr, thingie to take.

I really dislike my fears, especially when they constantly haunt me. But then again, how can one be human but not feel fear?

Some things I've realized about fears, especially that little huge one that you deem the worst:
In recognizing that fear, I am already one step into overcoming it. In addition, identifying the fear SHOULD mean that I am already prepared for it but that doesn't ever seem to prevent the aftershock.

Maybe thats pretty obvious ... Oh no ...

Maybe I'm finally going psycho ...

No World for Tomorrow?

2008-02-19T23:37:00.004+08:00

OUCH ...

Perfection.

2008-01-23T20:30:00.000+08:00

Someone dear to me had once told me: "It's all in the struggle ..."

There was a time, a few months back, when I was trying to make something as perfect as possible ... But, of course, I was disappointed with myself (and others, perhaps) when I could not achieve the "perfection" I had always wished for ...

Now, looking back ... I realize that the "perfection" I had wished for so badly in the past did not present itself in the way which I had expected it to be ... all happy and care-free ...

I had found that "perfection", but at the time, I was just so caught up in the struggle to achieve it that I had not realized that I already had ... in THAT struggle ...

A lesson well learnt: to actually look into things before rushing into trying to achieve it.

I guess these things aren't as bad as they are perceived to be when you look at it from post-aftershock ...

The Mirror

2008-01-21T20:11:00.001+08:00

They say that "Action speaks louder than words"; that actually doing something to prove what you mean to say is better than merely stating it ...

Well, one thing I've learnt awhile back:

Obligational actions can be influenced and fueled by situation ...
while words, for what they are, are influenced by the "heart" ...

The spirit carries on ...

(Second) First entry

2007-10-22T23:29:00.000+08:00

Well, here it is ... the JC1 promotional results ...

H2 Geography: S
H2 Economics: E
H2 Literature: D
H1 General Paper: D
H1 Mathematics: S
H1 Chinese: U

Got promoted with 36.25 points ... not, one bit, outstanding ...
I'm really going to miss all of you who didn't make it to JC2 ...
Oh well, A levels next year ... dead as ever ...